Jack's Dinner

My youngest grandson loves food. Eating it and cooking it. He cooked these fresh mackerel, asparagus salad and crushed new potatoes for dinner this week. Jack has a natural flair for cooking and a good palate although he insists he doesn't want to be a Chef de Cuisine.

A Few Days of Summer

Mission Olive Tree Live Plant Cold Hardy 2-3 Feet Tall

Three days of summer put me in the mood to do a tiny bit of gardening. So I repotted the Olive Tree given to me by my daughter for Mother's Day. It needed it because it was still in the original tiny pot. It's also called the Peace Tree and when I look at it now I feel peaceful.

This is where we sit every day and eat our sandwich lunch. Perhaps later in the day we may have a glass of wine as the sun sets. A simple garden. I prefer this as before I had it landscaped into four levels it was on a hill and lawned. I could never sit in it then without getting fidgety seeing all there was to do. Now I am able to sit and chill. Now and again I rake the gravel.

Hats

When I lived in bed-sit land in Balham in the late 1960s my treat of the week was gathering my laundry together on my Monday day off from hairdressing, as I didn't have a washing machine, getting the train to Croydon and meeting my Mum at West Croydon station at eleven, leaving my laundry in her original Mini ready to be laundered and dried at her home and we'd go to the Lyons Cafe, eat an iced bun with a milky coffee and then we'd Go Shopping. But this was no ordinary shopping. It was Trying On Hats in C & A Shopping. We did this every single Monday for years. We did this when I got married and then pregnant with my daughter. We did it when my daughter was in a pushchair (not called Buggies then) We did it together when my daughter was pregnant with her first child but in Tunbridge Wells, not Croydon. We did it because it was the funniest shared time we had together as Mother and Daughter and then as Grandmother, Mother and Daughter and the Great-Grandson safe in my daughter's womb.

We tried on every hat in the store. I loved wearing hats then and I still do but Mum never though they suited her. I have a large head, my Mum had a tiny head and my daughter is somewhere inbetween. So a hat that fitted me would slip down over my Mum's eyes, hit her nose and drown her so we would cry with laughter at her image in the mirror. My daughter pulled funny faces and made sure her ears stuck out when she tried a hat on so by this stage we were rolling on the floor knicker wetting with laughter.

After an hour of this we sensed the sales assistants were watching us. Quite rightly because we had made a mess of their orderly hat display. We were obvious time-wasters. My concience would kick-in and I knew I had to buy a hat whether I wanted to or not. No chance of Mum or Daughter buying one. I've kept all of these hats. They are stored in chests, black sacks, ottomans. I have panamas, berets. cloches, fedoras, straw hats, sequined, trilbys, waterproof, fur, animal print, fascinators but I've never bought a Funeral Hat.

My dear Mum passed at four o'clock 8th January 2010 aged eight-nine.

I spent this morning searching on eBay and found and then bought my first Funeral Hat, pictured above, as a tribute to wonderful shared memories of Hat Shopping with my dear Mum. We shared many other things together. Our relationship with Hats represents our relationship as Mother and Daughter and then Grandaughter.

Mum loved to laugh and I imagine if she could see me in this Hat at her own funeral her eyes would crease then twinkle, tears of laughter would form, she'd ask me if she could try it on and - the result would be historic.

How To Cook The Perfect Christmas Dinner!

How To Cook The Perfect Christmas Dinner!

1. Don’t.
2. If you have to, remain sober.
3. Not sober? Don’t be over ambitious.
4. Check size of turkey in relation to size of your oven.
5. Only invite guests that drink too, then they won’t notice the state you’re in.
6. Lower the lights so they can’t see the cat’s hairs in the first course.
7. Pour plenty of wine in the gravy to camouflage alien flavours.
8. Try to eat something yourself to soak up the alcohol intake in your blood.
9. Wear waterproof mascara for the inevitable moment when you cry/sweat.
10. Don’t ever get talked into doing it again.

My then still comparatively new man is assuming that because I ran a restaurant I could cook, and on the strength of this invited six good friends to Christmas day lunch. My cottage is small, and my kitchen is a galley.

They, including man looking smug and proud, are sitting round the dining table in the glow of myrrh-scented candles (No: 6). Their glasses are permanently being topped up, and they are feeding from a large oval dish of crudités and dips while I cook the first course. I have a very large copper pan full of mixed seafood being sautéed in butter, olive oil, garlic and herbs for the Italian style ‘Frito Misto’ I am ambitiously preparing. (No: 3) I give the heavy pan a chef like swirl over the heat, and amazingly, the entire contents of prawns, scallops, mussels and squid, take on a life of their own, and spiral into the air, hang suspended and dump themselves over the kitchen floor and into the cat’s dish!

I look furtively at my guests from the open plan galley. They’re laughing, drinking (No: 5) and talking merrily! Haven’t apparently seen a thing! I scoop everything up, from under the edge of fridges, washing machine and yes, the cat’s dish and throw it back into the pan, add fresh lemon juice, more black pepper, pray and serve it up in a large dish
for them to shell and pick at and dunk their crusty bread into the hot, garlic butter. I am saved. I sit and join in, but I can’t bring myself to eat (No: 8), so partake of a little more wine. (No: 2)

My oven is too small to take a turkey adequate enough for eight diners (No: 4). I am cooking three plump whole boned turkey breasts. They have been roasted, basted in butter and ready to ‘rest’ out of the oven to continue cooking in their own heat, while I make my gravy. I like gravy. I like rich, slightly thickened gravy, not much of a ‘jus’ person.

The saucepan has all the delicious roasting juices from the turkey breasts and I’m whisking in my flour, making a roux. I gently add my homemade chicken stock, stirring continually, watching it satisfyingly thicken. I reach over for my old fashioned Gravy Browning, pour, and stare in disbelief at the Fairy Liquid bottle in my left hand and the green globule slowly dissolving into my pan full of rich gravy! I panic! I slurp! I honestly think for one moment I am able to scoop the offending green Fairy Liquid out of the pan with a slotted spoon, add lashings of wine and get away with it! (No: 7)

I tip the gravy down the sink. I look at the residue in the roasting pan where the breasts are resting, but I’ve used it all. I have to resort to a chicken stock cube, cornflour and this time, the Gravy Browning, and not the Fairy. I am dripping, with perspiration and with tears. (No: 9)

My guests are having a deliriously happy time. I’m glad somebody is. I’m the hostess and I’m not! I serve up. Roast potatoes the Delia way; Crispy chipolatas and bacon; Baby Carrots caramelised with fresh grated ginger; Sprouts and roast chestnuts; Roast parsnips with Cinnamon; Moist Fruit stuffing; Carved Turkey breast and disgusting wishy washy gravy….

The compliments flow, the wine flows, the conversation gets more outrageous, my galley
kitchen is a tip, but I know the cheese course will be trouble free, and we have home-made Christmas Pudding Ice-Cream, Syllabub and fresh fruits and nuts to follow.

I manage the coffee and fudge without serious accidents, and feel my job is done, so sit back with an impressive looking Brandy Bottle in front of me, my special glass, my roll up tin and eventually join in the fun.

My company were blissfully unaware of all the ghastly happenings in my galley, of which I’m glad. I made man promise NEVER to invite friends for Christmas again, bearing in mind, the only time he goes into the galley is to visit the fridge for a beer……………

To summarise: This leaves points one and ten! I mean it, it’s just another roast dinner, well, that’s what we’re told. They’re lying! It’s a monumental task, hard, stressful, fraught, expensive, over lavish, unnecessary, somebody’s always drunk, either the guests, the host, or in my case, both.

This year, twenty of us are all contributing in our local by preparing and bringing all the vegetables, deserts, first courses, nibbles and a French Run for the booze, and our landlady is cooking the geese, ducks, turkey and beef and leaving us to run riot in the comfort of her lovely Inn.

The Riverside

We've been eating at The Riverside At West Bay since the 1970s when it looked like this.

It looks like this now. The food has changed, under the same ownership, as much as the building has. The first picture is my starter of fresh king scallops. Perfectly cooked and presented.

My main course was Catch of the Day served with a lovely soupy, garlicky sauce. I ate it all and then used my spoon and good bread to wipe my plate clean.

I couldn't decide on the desert so I had a medley as in the above photograph. Service was friendly and relaxed and the view overlooking Lyme Bay added to the eating experience.

At the end of the evening Arthur Watson, the owner, asked if we had enjoyed our evening. I was emboldened with good food and good wine and suggested to him that he would have been far better as a presenter of seafood on the television than Rick Stein and Arthur replied 'Maybe, but I am ten years older than he is'.

But you are better looking, have a far more interesting voice and wittier than he is. Shame the TV Celebrity Chef thing just missed you Arthur. I loved what Floyd said about Chefs. That we all misunderstand the language. If we cook in a kitchen we are a cook. If we run a Restaurant kitchen, then we are a Chef de Cuisine. Although I believe the popular phrase now is Executive Chef.

I was married to a Chef and we once holidayed in Brittany and ate every evening for a week in a small family restaurant with three generations running the kitchen and front of house. The food was historic and on our last evening I approached the Grandmother who kept a watchful eye on everything, and told her in my basic French that my husband was a Chef.

'Chef de que?' she asked.

'Chef de Cuisine' I replied.

Floyd was right wasn't he?

Romantic Dinners

“ I love you” is extremely romantic! “Get your kit off” is overtly sexual! “Dinner’s ready!” is assured to raise Morty’s endorphin levels. Combine the three and he’s mine, all mine! Maybe he’d be anybody’s!

The power of erotic food is based mainly on folklore and has never been scientifically proven. Substances that by nature symbolized "seed or semen" such as bulbs, eggs, snails and nuts were considered naturally to have sexual influence. If a food resembled the genitalia then it was reasoned it had sexual powers.

The mind itself is a powerful aphrodisiac and the sensations of touch, smell. texture, aural, heat, visual plus imagination can affect the heart rate and stimulate sexual desire. This romantic dinner for two will have length and strength, based on certain foods, drinks, fragrances, colours and the power of suggestion.

Create an Evocative Mood

We will both wear sensual black clothes, mine of lace and velvet and his of cashmere and linen. The table is covered with a deep red velour cloth and matching deep red linen napkins. There is no cutlery, just large finger bowls filled with warm water and fresh slices of lime. Our complete meal will be eaten using our own and each others fingers as our tools, enabling us to sense the feel as well as the taste of our romantic meal.

The fine china is pure white porcelain in order to display the colour and contour of the foods we are about to eat. The glasses are cut glass lead crystal. The only lighting radiates from vanilla scented candles. The fragrance of vanilla will act as a sexual stimulant. There are deep red roses, and two personal gifts we will exchange later in the evening. The music is soft, low and unobtrusive.

Cocktails

We begin with dry cocktails to purify and heighten our taste buds for the events that are to follow:

For Her ‘Brazen Hussey’

1 ounce vodka
1 ounce Cointreau
1/2 ounce lemon juice

In a shaker half-filled with ice cubes, combine all of the ingredients. Shake well. Strain into a cocktail glass.

For Him ‘Romeo’

1 oz light rum
1 oz Cointreau
1/2 oz lemon juice
3 oz strawberry puree

Blend ingredients with crushed ice. Pour into 14 oz bulb glass. Garnish with whole strawberry.


Appetising Foreplay

Gently Steaming Asparagus

These phallus-shaped spears are thought to be stimulating and have an aphrodisiac effect. Just look at an asparagus spear and liberate your imagination. Simply tie the trimmed, fresh green asparagus spears in bundles, keeping the tightly packed tips level and open steam for ten minutes according to size, as in all things, size does matter. Toss gently in melted lemon butter, or serve cold with hollandaise, vinaigrette or mayonnaise. Feeding each other spears, sucking the delicate tips allowing the melted butter to ooze, we will use the napkins and finger bowls to mop up the juices.

A young innocent Chardonnay will balance the powerful flavour of our asparagus and lemon butter.

The Main Intercourse

New Zealand Green Lip Mussels a la Mariniere

New Zealand Green Lipped Mussels are sweet, tender, delicate, plump and juicy, and grow to about eight inches in size, though we will be eating the more acceptable four inches! Meat colour varies from apricot flesh (female) to cream (male). The elongated shells are a beautiful, brownish-green on one end but changing to green at its broad lip, broken up by dark-brown stripes, giving an illusion of mother-of-pearl. Unlike the blue mussel, the green shell mussel's shell is slightly open in its natural state, which New Zealanders refer to as "smiling." The shell closes tightly when the mussel is subjected to stress, freshwater or rough handling. Just
like us ladies!

A throbbing, gently pulsating broth of butter, shallots, white wine and chopped parsley is simmering in a large pan. We drop the mussels into the broth for two minutes, scoop them out into a large bowl and pour the liquor over them. Using an empty mussel double shell as tweezers, we pull the ample plump, inviting creamy flesh from the attractive shells and feed, all the time tearing the French bread apart and plunging it into the mussel liquor to soak up the juicy liquid.

A salad of vine ripened cherry tomatoes and rocket leaves tossed in a basil vinaigrette will accompany this seductive yet earthy dish. Raw Rocket stimulates lust, Basil is reputed by Hindu males as an aphrodisiac because it resembles the female organ, and tomato is frequently called the love apple.

We will hit the spot together and drink a full, energetic, bright and snappy, dry New Zealand Sauvignon Blanc with its tart flavours and length in the mouth.

The Climax

Fruit Nipples and Spicy Chocolate Fondue

Strawberries are referred to as ‘Fruit Nipples’ in erotic literature. The spiciness in the Chocolate Fondue is from dried habaneras chillies! The chilli is thought of as a very potent sexual stimulant. Chocolate is one of the unquestionable kings of aphrodisiacs, the Indians called it the "Nourishment of the Gods".

Bring a cup of water to a boil, toss in the habaneras chillies, and cover for 10 minutes until the habaneras are mushy-soft. Pull them out, chop them as fine as can be, then mash them to a pulp. Melt chocolate in a double boiler or microwave . Add the habanera pulp, stir, and heat again until the chocolate is a thick and creamy yet liquid enough for dipping the strawberries.

Together, we will dip the strawberries into the fondue dish full of the spicy, hot melted chocolate and relish the contrast of the textures and tastes.

A bowl of fresh figs and pine nuts a
re waiting to be sampled. The erotic, fleshy fruit of the fig is said to act as a powerful sexual stimulant and has been thought of for centuries as a symbol of fertility and love. Also it is no coincidence that the fig leaf has been used to cover the genitals of those embarrassed by their nakedness.

"The Perfumed Garden" contains many references to pine nuts. Quoting Galen (circa 130-200 A.D.) it is recommended to drink a glassful of thick honey and eat twenty almonds and one hundred pine nuts before going to bed. After repeating this for three nights, men will acquire vigour for coition.

There is only one drink that will compliment our dessert. Mead or ‘Honeywine’ made from honey; Mead is at the root of the term "honeymoon"! Newlyweds would by tradition drink mead for the month after their wedding. This was supposed to help produce a baby boy.

Shakespeare, in Macbeth: Act II: Scene III writes of alcohol:

“it provokes and it unprovokes; it provokes the desire, but it takes away the performance.”

But in spite of this we will have a suitable digestive containing aniseed. Aniseed has aphrodisiac properties but I feel this may be superfluous to our needs at this stage of our meal, and we will have a small glass of the following liqueur purely for medicinal purposes ! The Italian Liqueur Sambuca con Mosca, translates as ‘Sambuca with Flies’………is aniseed based and we will drink it the traditional way with three coffee beans floating in the top, light the liqueur and watch the flame dwindle as the alcohol is burnt away.

Pre-Conjugal

Between the Sheets

There is only one after dinner cocktail to have at this stage of our romantic evening. The cocktail that is intended to seduce!

1 oz. cognac
1 oz. Cointreau
1 oz. Dry gin
Juice of 2 lemons

Put all ingredients into a cocktail shaker with crack
ed ice and shake. Strain into a cocktail glass.


The Next Morning

Morty: “What’s for breakfast babe?”
Me: “ Get up and get your own!”

Would You Drink These?

Three Christmases ago I bought this evil Vodka. Those things inside the bottle are Infernally Hot Peppers. We all had a shot glass of it and none of us could speak for hours. It is truly horrendous.

So when I saw this bottle of spirits in a shop in Cambodia complete with a dead snake inside I thought of my bottle of Inferno and pondered - if I was forced to drink from one of these bottles which would I choose.

I hope I never have to choose.

I Can See Clearly Now

H
The work-in-progress on the cottage continues. I have moved on from ghastly pub lighting in here to glass and crystal. The centre light chandelier above is acrylic in an Art-Deco style. I bought three of them for lounge, landing and bedroom six months ago from The White Company online and have finally reached the tarting up stage so the electrician arrived this morning to install all my new fittings. They seem very grand for a small cottage but I adore them. They are bold and blend well with plastered stone walls, black beams and wood.

Above is one of the two new wall lights from John Lewis online. Look at the shadows and patterns cast on the walls. John Lewis is the first online store I visit when I need something new for the home. I bookmark items I like and then carry on searching to compare. Next day free delivery and excellent Customer Service.

So now I need sunglasses indoors. This home has never been so bright.

New carpets fitted on Wednesday.

Scented Soy For Me

My decorator spent three days washing my plaster walls before he could begin emulsioning them. They were coated with a layer of wax and very black smoke damaged corners under curtains. Yes - from burning perfumed paraffin wax candles. I love my Yankee candles but the damage was extensive. He advised me to burn Soy candles. I am horrified at the toxins in paraffin wax candles. Disconcerted that my expensive re-paint jobby could be ruined with simply burning a candle.

Some Googling and this website in the top ten on the first page appealed to me the most. Sentelle Soy candles Easy to navigate and customer friendly. I liked being able to choose not only the fragrance but the colour of the candle as well.

Within hours of my order being accepted I had a personal email from Sentelle thanking me for my custom and telling me my fragrant Soy Candles would be delivered within twenty four hours - and they were. With a handwritten Thank You note and a small gift.

Beautifully presented and the promise of the fragrance lasting the life of the candle, slow burning, biodegradable, toxin free, non-carcinogenic from a sustainable resource. I took advantage of free delivery for orders over £50.00 then I took a photo of them for you because they are attractive.

Drip

Woken up to water dripping through my newly plastered kitchen ceiling onto my new electric hob. Got a bucket catching the drips. Taken a photo for insurance purposes.

Not a disaster compared to the many global troubles but it really has upset me. I waited years for the time and the money to re-renovate my tiny old cottage. Spent since April with builders and total chaos and dust and living uncomfortably - then this happens.

My own fault for feeling so snug and smug and complacent because my home is (was) almost perfect at last and I was wallowing in the pleasure and comfort. That'll learn me.

Where's a Polish Plumber when you need one?